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Transcript:A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever
Soft angelic singing can be heard as a single snowflake finds its way to Camp Campbell. It crosses the screen, revealing the episode title: "A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever" as an instrumental version of "Deck The Halls" continue to play in the background. The snowflake finally lands in front of the jaded ten-year old, Max. As he expresses his confusion with a simple "What the FUCK?". After the theme song, the camp appears to be covered in snowfall as the campers express their confusion of the possibility of snow in the middle of July. Max: I don't believe it. Gwen appears behind Max and Neil, who are both looking out the window. Gwen: Kids! Get over here! Neil: What in hell's going on out there? Snow in the middle of summer? Gwen: I may still be working on my masters in meteorology... Max: (offscreen) Why?! Gwen: (shoots Max an angry look) But, I'm pretty sure we can chalk this one up to climate change. David: Don't worry, gang! We'll all get through this weather together! Wait, where's Nikki? Nurf: (points offscreen) Look! Something's coming down the chimney that's always been there! Bits of black dust start to emanate from the chimney that's always been there. Followed by a black dust cloud exploding from within, revealing Nikki. Nikki: It's a miracle! I'm just so excited, everybody! It's just like the happiest, snowiest, most magical holiday of the year. (jumps up excitedly) Parent's Day! Nikki joins the others to express her love for the season. Gwen: You mean Christmas? Nikki: Oh, right. Sorry, I don't know why I always mix those two up. Max: (rolls his eyes) It's not Christmas, Nikki. It's just nature trying to kill us all before we kill it first. Nikki: But, can't we just PRETEND? Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, PLEEEASE?! David: Sorry, Nikki, but this weather's going to put a lot of stress- Not before he could finish what he was saying, Nikki jumps on top of him and grabs him by the bandanna, surprising David. Nikki: But I LOVE Christmas, David! We can sing songs, and play games, and have so much FUN! As the word "FUN" echoes into the distance, David becomes ecstatic at the thought of it. David: Fun?! Without me even having to ask you?! Gwen: Okay! Hold on. (takes Nikki off of David and gently puts her down) David, we have a lot of work to do. David: I couldn't agree more, Gwen. Quick! What's everyone's favorite Christmas tradition? Gwen: No, that's not- Gwen gets interrupted as Neil and Max join in on the conversation. Neil: Eh, I'm actually Jewish, so I'm not sure this whole thing really applies to me. Max: Yeah and I don;t care. UNLESS you're getting us presents. Nikki: WHAT?! David: Presents? That's right. And a tree. And non-specific holiday decorations so no one feels left out! I'm wasting time! Don't you worry, kiddos! I'll make this the happiest holiday season for everyone! (pulls out a Santa hat from behind his back and puts it on his head) Gwen: (stops him from leaving) And I'm just supposed to shovel snow all by myself? David: Well, that would be great! (pulls Gwen in for an embrace) Thanks, Gwen! Quartermaster: And I shall prepare a Christmas goose. (pulls out his gun hand) Gwen: Bah, humbug... Preston: Well, friends, as the children of divorced parents often say... TWO CHRISTMASES! Ered and Nerris: Yeah! Woohoo! Preston: Bravo! As the three exit the scene, the camera pans to Max and Neil. Max: Finally. My hoodie's time to shine. (pulls out his hoodie only to hear the fabric of it ripping) Is my head really that big? Neil: (points at own head) Look who you're talking to. Nikki: Guys. How are you not more excited about this? Max: Nikki, it's not like we're actually going to get presents. I'm expecting a fidget spinner at best. Nikki: But that's not what Christmas is about! Max: Black Friday death tools beg to differ. Nikki: C'mon, Neil! Tell him why Christmas is the best! Neil: I don;t know! I don't celebrate that stupid holiday! (grumbling) I've got my own stupid holiday that gets dragged out eight times LONGER!. Max: Jesus! What's so great about Christmas that's got you freaking out?! Nikki: What's so great? WHAT'S SO GREAT?! Upbeat jazzy music start to play in the background as Nikki starts her musical number. Nikki: (singing) I can't believe the time is here! (decks the windows with garlands) To deck the halls and spread some cheer! (takes out a plastic snowflake) It is my favorite season, though I can;t place the reason. (rips off all of the following months leading towards December on the calendar) Christmas is my favorite time of year! Max: Okay, you just kind of stated stuff we already knew. Neil: Yeah, we get that you like Christmas but what is it about Christmas that you like? Nikki: Oh ho! I'll tell you! Nikki proceeds to sing her song, urging the two to follow her. Nikki: (throws a gift box outside the window) We'll wrap our presents good and tight! (jumps out of window) And shower Christmas trees with light! (throws fairy lights at a nearby tree) Oh yuletide carols we shall sing, though I'm not sure what "yuletide" means~ (throws away the yuletide pamphlet she was holding) But Christmas is my favorite silent night! Neil joins in only to irritate Max. Neil: (singing) So you're about the decorations hanging everywhere? Max: (annoyed) Don't sing. Neil: (continues to do so) The couples and their mistletoe and snowflakes in the air~ (holds a mistletoe above his head) Max: (facepalms) Oh, please. Neil: (discards the mistletoe, which lands on Max's face) The Christmas morning presents that you open with excitement and delight! (twirls and hops toward Nikki) So am I right?! Nikki: Mmm...not quite. Neil: (annoyed) WHAT?! Nikki: (singing) I love the bells on Santa's sleigh~ Nikki's vision of Santa on his rocket-powered sleigh rides away. Nikki: And all the reindeer games to plaaaaay~ Nikki's vision of a deer wearing a football player's helmet throws a football offscreen Max: (sarcastically joins in, singing) Get to the point before I vomit~ Nikki: I just can't put my finger on it~ But Christmas is my favorite holiday! Nikki jumps onto the flagpole, twirling herself Nikki: I know my reasoning's unclear~ But I'm still smiling ear to eaaaaar! Nikki jumps above the two boys, showering them with gifts Nikki: Call me St. Nick cus' I'll keep giving~ So long as I can keep reliving! Christmas! It's my favorite time. Don't ask about reason or rhyme! (grabs onto Neil and Max's arms) Just know that it's my favorite time (twirls the two) of yeaaaaaaaar~ Nikki ends her song with her holding her hands up in the air with a smile on her face as the two boys stopped twirling. Max: So what you're saying is, you have no idea. Nikki: (jumps up and points at him) Yes! Max and Neil share a collective groan. Nikki: Stick a stocking in it! (sticks two gift-filled stockings onto both their mouths) So maybe I can't "EXPLAIN" why I love Christmas with "WORDS", but I bet if I see it, I'll know it right away! C'mon! I'm feeling all holly and jolly! Nikki skips offscreen as Max and Neil spit out their stockings in disgust. Max: Ugh! Have these been WORN before?! Neil: (holds throat) I think there's a dreidel in my throat! The scene pans to the General Store in town, where David is seen shopping for the campers' gifts. David: (places a box of crayons into his shopping cart) Okay. Almost done with the presents and then I can- David notices two B. B guns on display next to the counter David: (gasps) A B.B gun! I bet Max would LOVE this! Do you have any safety glasses? Store Clerk: Aaww! Afraid he'll shoot his eyes out? (grabs a pair from under the counter) David: Oh, no! These are for me! The scene pans to Space Kid looking for twigs in the snow, with Nerris gracefully ice-skating in the back only to get butted out by Ered, who's playing ice hockey. Ered: Slap shot! (launches the puck towards Neil) Neil proceeds to choke as the puck hits him at his nape, releasing the dreidel Neil: (gasping) Oh, thank GOD! Nikki: Neil! Quit being gross! You're missing all the Christmas! Max: What Christmas? All I see is- Just as Max was about to finish his statement, the trio is then greeted by Preston, who's wearing nothing but a diaper and a plastic halo on his head. Max: JESUS CHRIST! Preston: Exactly! Neil: Preston, aren't you freezing?! Preston: how can I be cold when I've got the warmth of the theater coursing through my veins?! Preston proceeds to hand out pamphlets of his one man show of the Nativity Scene to be presented later that night. Preston: here! I'm putting on a one man show of the nativity scene tonight! You'll NEVER believe how it ends! Nikki: (gasps) The nativity scene! Oh, I LOVE those! They've always got a sheep or something! You got a sheep or something?! Preston: We BETTER! (turns to Dolph) Dolph! What's the word on the manger animals?! The camera pans to Dolph who's revealed to be working on the props for Preston's play, which is entirely made up of nothing but gingerbread. Dolph: Jerusalem vasn't built in vone day, Preston! Nikki: Woohoo! (jumps on top of the sheep he was working on) Oops. Dolph: (drops the icing he was holding) Mein art! Max: Think you got a bad sheep there, Dolph. Neil: What is this all made out of? Dolph: Gingerbread, of course! Ze culinary arts have always eluded me, but Preston provided me with ze perfect opportunity to- Dolph looks to his work only to see Nurf taking a bite out of it. Dolph: (angrily points at him) Gah! Zat is a load bearing cookie! Nurf: Well, maybe you shouldn't make it so delicious next time! Nurf then exits the scene, bringing the gingerbread ass with him. Nikki: (continues to eat his work) Yeah, Dolph. Really, this is all your fault when you think about it. Neil: So wait. Is it the religious stuff that gets you all excited about Christmas? Nikki: Huh? Oh, nah! (breaks off a part of Mother Mary's hand) Baby J is cool and all, but I prefer the sequel where he comes back as a zombie with sweet abs! Max: (breaks off a part of Saint Joseph's back) Guess we can cross that off the list. Preston: Will you three quit ruining my manger?! Max: Hey, man! Jesus forgives or some shit. (swallows the piece he broke off) The scene changes to David driving the camp car to a nearby tree, with David carrying an axe with him. David: Oh, you're PERFECT! (whispers) I'm sorry, tree. As he chops down the tree, it begins to fall over the direction of the car. David: TIMBER! Cold air blows onto the tree, making it shake. David: Hooray! Christmas miracle! The tree finally crashes onto the trunk of the car as the scene changes to Space Kid bringing a bunch of twigs he found and offering one to Harrison Space Kid: Here you go, Harrison! (hands him the twig) Harrison: Perfect! (sticks it onto his snowman) Now, all that's left is a magician's top hat imbued with the magic of Christmas. Harrison places his hat on top of the snowman's head, bringing it to life and only to get the wrong reaction from it Snowman: (screaming) God! I'm alive! I'm sentient! What is this?! Everything hurts! Harrison: Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Snowman: I don't have any organs! Just make it stop! Oh my God! 'Harrison: I didn't think it would work like this! I just wanted a magic friend! Oh my God! The snowman starts to violently shake and threaten Harrison to take the hat off of it. Snowman: Take off the hat! Just fucking kill me, kid. PLEASE! Harrison: (terrified) I can't! I can't! (begins to tear up) Please don't make me do it! Oh my God, please don't make me do it! Snowman: End my suffering for the love of God! PLEASE! Harrison finally slaps the hat off of its head, making it inanimate again. As he falls back onto the snow, the trio passes by him not knowing what just happened. Nikki: Aww, yeah! Snowmen! Oh that is so Christmas! Good stuff, Harrison! Harrison: (sees the trio) Did any of you see that?! Max: Okay, i'm still not following you. Is it that you like Christmas-y activities? Nikki: Eh...sorta? Buuuut, not quite, really. No. Max: Oh, for the love of- (gets pelted with a snowball to the face) OOF! Nurf: Ha ha! Merry Christmas, loser! And a Happy Hannukah to you, Neil. Neil: Thank yo- (also gets pelted with a snowball to the face) UGH! Nikki: Whatcha up to, Nurf? Nurf: Oh, y'know. Just tryna be on my best behavior. You know, in case Santa comes by. Max and Neil get up from the snow, dusting themselves. Max: You actually believe in Santa Claus? Nikki and Nurf: (simultaneously while rolling their eyes) Obviously. Nikki: Who else could deliver all those presents in one night? Nurf: Or drink all the Christmas beers left out by the fireplace? Nikki: (confused) The what? Nurf: Look, guys. i'm just tryna do some good and spread some cheer. Neil: (annoyed) By decking people with snowballs?! Nurf: (looks down at the handful of snowballs that he's carrying) Oh. These are just for fun. I've got a stack stuffed with compact ice and marble for the kids that have been naughty. Figured I could take a few of them out to save Santa some trouble. Y'know, get on his good side. Ered passes by on her sled. Nurf: (angrily) Hey! Don't think I didn't see what you did to Nerris! Sorry, guys. (brings out a marble compacted snowball from behind his back) Duty calls. Nikki: (clasps her hands together) Awww! Even Nurf is getting into the Christmas Spirit! Isn't it the best? Max: I knew it. You're just in it for the fat man's presents! Nikki: What? No! I mean, I respect the guy and all he's doing to compete with Amazon these days, but that's not why I love Christmas. Max angrily holds onto his hair as the blowing of a horn can be heard coming from offscreen. David: (offscreen) Happy Holidays! The trio rushes towards his way to see the car, which has crashed onto the camp flagpole. Nikki: David? David: (panting) I know I'm late, kids! And I'm so sorry, but I promise I will turn this holiday around! David begins to decorate the Mess Hall as the tree he brought with him topples over while David slips on the ice, also toppling over. David: (shocked) Oh my gosh! I forgot the cranberry sauce! Nikki: David? It's okay. David: But this has to be the perfect holiday for everyone! Nikki: Awww, that's sweet! But I don't think you really need any of this stuff for Christmas. After Nikki's statement, the campers behind her all hear this and give out a collective shout of disbelief. David: (confused) What? Campers: (angrily) What?! Gwen: (offscreen) What.The.Fuck?! The scene changes to Gwen in her jacket, holding a shovel. Gwen: I spent all fucking day shoveling snow and you plow through it with the car?! Space Kid: Oh, there you are, Gwen! Gwen hears his voice but doesn't know where it's coming from, she steps aside only to see him magically appear from her back. Space Kid: I wanted to say thanks for working so hard all the time! Space Kid cheerfully presents to Gwen his space helmet, which he has turned into a knick knack replica of the Mess Hall. Gwen: Huh? Space Kid: Merry Christmas! Nikki sees this and jumps up from David's side. Nikki: That's it! David: What's it? Nikki: That's what I love about Christmas! It's not giving presents cus' your supposed to or being good cus' Santa's watching. Scene changes from Nikki, to the other campers, to Space Kid happily giving Gwen his present. Nikki: It's just trying to do nice things for other people! Neil: But that's not explicitly for Christmas, Nikki. Being nice is just kind of a stae of mind. Nikki: Oh...I guess you're right. Max: SERIOUSLY?! After all that, the thing you loved about Christmas wasn't even about Christmas?! Nikki: (shrugs) Eh, I guess not. But don't you think that kind of makes it better? Cus' I mean, anyone can do it. Max: (realizes Nikki's point then sighs) Yeah... Nikki: (excitedly) Now who wants to deck the halls?! Nurf: Awww Yeah! (punches a hole through the Mess Hall's exterior) Oww... The scene changes to the camera slowly panning to the kids opening the presents that David has got them, with Nerris opening a deck of Pokemon cards, Harrison waving his magical toy wand, Preston unboxing his glitter-clad cape, Dolph using the crayons that David got him, Space Kid playing with his toy spaceship, Nurf poking his flexible toy knife onto Space Kid's helmet, Ered running her fingers over her purple keytar, Neil playing with the dreidel that he was previously choking on, and finally stopping on Nikki looking happily at the two boys. With Max's present still resting on his lap, un-opened as David hands Gwen her "#2 Counselor" mug filled with hot cocoa. Max: (offscreen) Ah, sweet. A B.B. gun! After Max unwraps his present, David automatically takes out the goggles he brought from the store, putting them on as the bullet from the plastic gun flew towards his eyes and gets deflected by said eyewear. Quartermaster: (pops out of kitchen holding up a dead goose) A Christmas goose for everyone! Neil: I suppose the holidays aren't that stupid. Max: I mean, they're still stupid and most don't make any sense. but I guess you could still enjoy 'em. Nikki: You know what else I love about Christmas? Nikki pulls the two in for a group hug Nikki: You guys. The camera pans out to show the campers looking into the camera as Nikki starts talking to the audience. Nikki: Hey, everyone. Thanks for joining us for this holiday special! We have a lot of fun here at Camp Campbell, but you know what isn't fun? (changes to a serious tone) Climate change. Gwen: That's right, Nikki. (now also looking at the audience) The atmospheric greenhouse effect of our planet helps to retain heat energy from the sun and is more or less responsible for life on this planet, but human activity has increased the greenhouse gas, Carbon Dioxide, 40% since 1790. David: (also looking at the audience) This means that less heat is able to escape Earth's atmosphere and is instead warming things up on our planet at an extremely dangerous rate! Neil: (also looking at the audience) Many skeptics of climate change have pointed out that the sun's output has varied through history, but since the 1970's, when global temperatures began increasing in the fastest, solar activity has actually been decreasing. Nurf: (aggressively eyeing the audience while clenching his fists) Bullying nerds is one thing, but bullying the Earth? Come on. Space Kid: (produly looking at the audience) I may be dumb when it comes to a lot of stuff, but I'm still smart enough to believe in climate change! Max: (annoyed at the audience) So if you or someone you know is still an avid climate change denier, literally what the fuck is wrong with you?! You don't even have to go to a library! Just Google "Evidence supporting climate change" and learn something for Christ's sake! Oh, and vaccinate your kids while you're at it! Fuckin' morons. The episode ends with the atmosphere changing to an awkward one as Nikki greets the audience a happy holidays. Nikki: Happy Holidays! ' Category:Transcripts